Money is my least favorite topic of conversation. No joke. The year I turned 16 and got my car, my dad made me sit down with him, multiple times, to talk about money. My stomach would churn and I'd feel nauseous, because conversations about money make me anxious. Insanely anxious. The summer before I left for my first year of college, I sat down with him and had money conversations again, and it was absolutely awful. Awful. Looking back, I'm glad that he made me have those conversations. It has given me the ability to breathe through the churning in my stomach and talk to my parents or to Nathan when there is a financial issue in my life. It is giving me the ability to breathe through it all, and share my money truths with you.
I recently sat down, spent about 7 hours on it total, and itemized every transaction and transfer I've made in the last 18 months to the best of my knowledge using Mint.com. It was awful. When that was done, there were graphs and charts showing how much I've spent and saved and mostly spent. It was incredibly terrifying and induced hella stomachaches, but it was more helpful than I imagined. Seeing each transaction was hard. Really hard. I'm not sharing all of my details with you, but I spent over $1500 at Target in those 18 months. To some people, it may not seem like a lot, but to a twentysomething college student, it definitely is. I get most of my groceries and home supplies at Target, so the spending could be much higher, but it still felt like I got walloped in the stomach with a baseball bat when I first saw that number.
I make a couple bucks over minimum wage, averaging about 15 hours a week when I'm in school. It doesn't pay for much, barely covers rent and bills, so like many of my peers, I have to take out loans. Taking out loans is terrifying, if you didn't know that already.
It's pretty obvious that I don't like money. I don't like discussions about money, or looking at anything with dollar signs. Yet, here I am, writing hundreds of words about it. Ugh, growing up.
I'm making a pride bet, of sorts, with myself and the internet right now. I'm vowing to be more honest with myself and others about money. I'm the type to spend a few bucks on lunch, and ignore it. I justify every purchase to stop feeling guilty, and I'm going to stop that now as well. And believing that cash is invisible money? Done. I'm vowing to be smarter with my money right now.
To some people, it might seem like an easy promise. With anxiety and depression, I often find myself buying something to make me feel better. Not huge purchases, just something under $5 or $10, but they are the purchases that add up. If I feel that way twice a week, it's $10 or $20 from my account that I'm taking, that I shouldn't be taking. It's the $10 or $20 I don't have when someone invites me to lunch or wants to get coffee. Those are the purchases I need to stop making.
Another truth is that I'm not good with budgets. Not good at all with budgets. If I'm low on one budget and high on the other, I just cancel it out in my head. But apparently, it's not smart. It gets me in trouble. So instead, I'm creating situational rules. No buying food unless I'm sitting down to eat with another person to catch up. Not getting coffee unless I'm meeting up with someone. I implemented those two rules in November, and they've worked extremely well for me so far, so if budgets don't work for you, try creating rules.
Mint.com has been an invaluable source as I've been re-accustoming myself with my finances. Every night, I'm going to take five minutes to look at it and itemize my transactions and look at my spending over time. Five minutes. I can do that as I sit on the bus on my way to class, while I wait for class to start, or while I procrastinate from homework (ha!). It's an app on my iPhone and iPad for goodness sake!
When I get loan money, I stick it into my savings account and take it out for rent. My goal is to put in as much as I take out over time, so that by the end of the year, I still have money in my savings. It's going to be tough, as I'm definitely spending more than I make with rent and bills alone, but I will get it done. I don't exactly know how, but I will.
This is the year that I face my fear of finances and dollar signs head on.
What are you facing head on?
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